Kinship
by Scecky
Summary: Lavender discovers something unexpected about her heritage. JamesNarcissa WARNING: Contents may disturb you. In a bad way.


Lavender knew today, Halloween, would be a significant day for her. She'd seen it in the perilous stars above, the cumin-scented tea leaves in her morning cup, and the cloudy, creamy crystal ball she kept in a sock under her bed. She couldn't possibly think of what might happen to her, a perfectly coifed and made up young lady of outstanding allure. She'd always had freaky halloweens. Once, she had been visited by a creepy spirit. Once, her pet gerbil had died. Whatever would happen this halloween, she couldn't know.

A slight buzzing in her ear alerted her to someone at the gates of Hogwarts to see her. "Okay Jamal, I hear you," she said benignly to the small man that lived in her cochlea. Waggling her rear end like a tube of toothpaste, she squat-walked down the echoing rock halls. Sagging, grey, brawny man-testicles dragged across the stone ground, leaving a snail trail of smegma in a clear path behind her. Who was it to visit her? Was it her adoptive mother, Martha? Was it her adoptive father, Pieter? She was always excited to receive visitors!

She kicked down the castle's front door with her size 18 Timberland boot and galloped down onto the greens. A sickly-looking blonde woman with phlegm-like hair stood in a twitchy manner like an African flag, apparently waiting for something. Lavender had never seen such a woman before, except perhaps in her half-boyfriend Draco Malfoy. But they could only see each other behind closed doors so no one would find out they were doing the New York Times crossword puzzles together. The shame in muggle activities!

Narcissa Malfoy, sickly blonde extraordinaire, power-walked up to her secret daughter. Yes. Narcissa Malfoy was Lavendar's father.

"Lavendar. Lavendar Brown."

Lavendar looked at Narcissa suspiciously. "Who are you? What do you want?" she asked with squinted eyes.

Shuddering at the mule-like gesturing of her secret daughter's eyes, Narcissa almost creamed herself. "I want you, my darling girl, to know the truth," the pallid facade stammered.

Lavender shuddered. Did she know this woman? Here eyes seemed so.. haunting. Her memory flashed back. She was an infant lying on a changing table. There was a crying woman standing over her... the crying woman... was Narcissa Malfoy. "Mom!?" she cried, shocked and revolted.

"No.." Narcissa walked closer to Lavender. "No, Lavender. I'm your father."

Not quite as revolted anymore, Lavender crumpled into a submissive heap at her father's pointed-toe boots like a ribbon dancing in a seductive sashay. Narcissa poked her daughter in the temple, curious about her reaction as a social psychologist of microorganism technology. She suddenly broke into a grin and howled a primal scream. Lavender whimpered and piddled in a sign of sick submission. Narcissa gripped Lavender's slender, weak arms and carried her behind a group of bushes. She leaned over her daughter, panting, bleeding, vomiting semen into her mouth and face, preparing to reveal her big news. Lavender looked up at her father with trepidation.

"Lavender. Lavender. LAVENDER. Your mother... " Narcissa paused for dramatic effect. "is..." Narcissa's eyes widened and she pushed her face closer to her daughters. "James Henry Potter."

Lavender's tongue lolled out of her mouth and her head thudded down onto a root, bile spilling out of the back of her head. Potter James Henries? Who the hell was that? Her eyes glazed over as though she had cataracts infringing upon her precocious corneas. Her hips spasmed and bucked under the strain of her malformed brain and she couldn't quite think in coherent firehydrants. Narcissa slapped her face with a rotting, oil-covered fish. Lavender mumbled and orgasmed. Her father? Potter? She and Harry were... related? She felt her tummy rumble as she remembered almost bearing his child out of wedlock. Boy, was she glad she got that free witch abortion from Madame Pomfrey! Lavender had a hunch that DJ Poppy Pom had sold the fetus into slavery, but could not care less.

Suddenly her mother appeared before her, and shook his head like an overgrown sequined gown. "LaVanda, this is your true name. You were named for the legendary rapist who sought to eat every dwarf in Somalia. How she influenced your mother's life. How, if you slay thine future brother-in-law thou shalt have thine mother back to your breast."

LaVanda was in shock. She didn't know how to react. She didn't even know what the hell was happening! She struck out, slapping her father-mother in the face. "Daddy!" she cried, mascara running in rivulets down her face, much like how Ron's semen had bedecked her the night before.

"Yes, LaVO, it's me!" Narcissa sobbed stoically into the corpulence of her daughter's neck. She knew what had to be done to allow her to bring her wife J. Henry back. She withdrew a sprig of dandelion from her navel and a slip of silver from her crack.

She rubbed them together until they caught fire, throwing them into the air dramatically. "OOGA BOOGA LOOGA!" she shouted, blood spewing from her nostrils. The ashes floated downward, settling into the form of an ash-man. Slowly, his char turned into flesh, and standing before Narcissa and LaVo was both of their beloveds, plus Harry's and Lily's: Henry Potter James

Henry Potter James stood before them, an aging Adonis in purple velvet pubic bush and razor-sharp hipbones. "LaVO, Narcky, how I've yearned for this day since the time I was to springjump into the wandering abyss of high school pep rallies of post-life. I've been waggling my schlong at others, trying to get them to understand my language, my need. But to no avail until now. I was afraid of the tragedy that might have befallen me had that greenpink flame not bestowed upon me life," he vomitted up yippy glue before licking his wrists and cackling.

LaVO began crying. "Daddy! Stay here forever!" Potter smacked her face with his hairy purple cock a few times in sympathy. "I've missed you, kiddo," he said, a little bit of piss leaking out into her mouth."But I can't stay here forever. At the strike of 9 PM, I will disappear and turn back.. back into a pumpkin." He side, slowly getting an erection. He watched the precum begin to ooze from his urethra under his ample foreskin all over his beautiful daughter's face. "I love you, mom. Don't leave me." The pounding she received from her mother's pussy poker left a deep gash on LaVO's face, but she didn't care. She had her really mommy now! Throwing her arms around Henry's neck, she flung her feet in the air behind her, hoping for a spin but only getting a harsh crack on her perineum from her father's lethal, blood green fingertips. They giggled and laughed uncontrollably, falling to the ground in a pile of girls, boys, and cock-mess. Narcissa looked on in approval. Her family was all back together again. She wished this could last a lifetime. Unfortunately, their happiness would last the miniscule lifetime.. of a fruitfly.

She sighed heavily and, pulling out a functional full-size replica of the Liberty Bell, gave a little chime to gather everyone's attention. "I have an announcement to make," she said grimly. "WHY DON'T THE PEOPLE THAT ARE COLD JUST GO LIVE IN THE BATHROOM?" Narcissa exclaimed fervently before shaking the Tourette's out of her head and continuing in lurid Scandinavianness.

"I only came to visit you, LaVO..." Lavender looked up, pausing the jacking off of her mother, concerned. "because your mother must leave this world once again, this time forever... and I must follow her."

"NOOOOOOOOoooo!!!!!" LaVO screamed like a dying fisherman, sobbing gelatinous tears of blood down the front of her yellow prison uniform top and matching tutu.

"Yes, we must. Even now, we are beginning to fade..." Narcissa added. She glanced down at her hand. Her fingertips were turning to dust. Henry James's legs were already shortened into thigh-stumps. They were disappearing, and quickly. Lavender jumped up and hugged them both with feverish fervor. Then, they turned to dust.

Rivers shot out of LaVO's very eyes! She collapsed on the ground, overwhelmed by the tragedy. Her life would never be the same.


End file.
